... When I saw the bodies I recognized them almost right away. Even if they looked older, there's no way I wouldn't have recognized them. I didn't want to fully accept it, but I got closer because of that.
The first one was Luther. He was clutching something in his hand - the glass eye. I had no idea what it could meant but I decided it had to be important if he was holding it so tightly.
Then I saw Diego and Allison. Part of me knew it had to be them, so I shook their bodies, trying to see if I could wake them up.
And finally I saw Klaus, and noticed the tattoo.
Up until then part of me thought perhaps they would come and save me. They couldn't possibly leave me alone in there. But after that I realized I was the only one who could save not only myself but my family.
With Klaus being here ... Part of me did come to terms with most of my feelings toward their loss. I might never be able to save them, but I can save Klaus, at least.
I realize reliving it properly would likely be more effective. But I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. And the more I think about going through my usual routine with you in there, the more I worry you'll die in front of me.
That would be counter intuitive highly improbable as it is.
[He takes his hand without question.]
When you do feel the time is right, do allow me to pull you around in that wagon of yours.
[He looks at their joined hands and tries to think of another way to soothe him. Physical intimacy could be an option but this was hardly the right mood. So instead he drapes him in a veil of his aether. Something foreign to this place but familiar enough that he hopes it can help anchor him.]
I will admit I am at an uncharacteristic loss of how best to help you.
[ It seems to work, because the warmth of it is familiar enough to be soothing, and foreign enough to be something he doesn't associate to the apocalypse. He'll squeeze his hand, and brings it to his lips though he tugs him gently shortly afterwards, so they can start walking ]
You're already helping. I realize with how nervous I'm looking it might not show but I would be in a far worse mental state if you weren't with me. Usually when I find myself here you and Lahabrea make it short enough that I very rarely have to think about it.
And I love you for that. Rest assured that that's the only type of distress I want to experience. Safely at your hands.
[ He gives him a small smile, and then focuses on the ruins around them. The smell of burnt flesh is absent despite the fact this is a dream from his memories - but the more they talk, the stronger the scent of oils and flowers feels ]
It does oddly feel like home for me too. Even if it could barely be called that, it was still the place I lived in for so many years.
Wanting others to be happy. How it has made us both grow so recently.
[He does notice and he can’t help but smile but he won’t bring attention to it.]
Fondly isn’t the right word, but when you are back and are standing in a world free from the apocalypse, do you imagine your view on this place will change? You are right, it was your place of residence for so many years.
[He pauses.]
I wonder if similarly if I would ever look at the Source in the same manner.
Of course I am. Every day I get the privilege of seeing this beautiful person before me, in body, in mind, in soul. Doing what is right but living in the reality of the world he lives in. One who didn’t let his tragedy define him, but rose above it.
One I might even be tempted to even call ‘hero’ without the sarcasm.
Hero is definitely too much. ... But thank you. I do want to be the type of person you could be proud of. Your opinion might not be all I care about, or even something I care about my own.
[ and of course his face his red, and he's trying to hide with humor as always. But like he said, Emet's opinion matters, and he does want to make him proud ]
... I'm proud of you too, you know. I always am. For how far you've come, how much you're capable of loving so strongly despite everything. Despite your own wishes sometimes. It's your greatest quality.
[ As they walk, there are some subtle changes. The sky doesn't look dark with red and grey anymore, and the buildings are no longer on fire. There's still destruction, but rather than looking as if it just happened, it's that of a world that has settled down with it. There's even some stubborn wild plants growing ]
I wouldn't have been able to handle it at the time, that's true. I imagine it would have been quite awkward for us both.
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Re: Day 399
The first one was Luther. He was clutching something in his hand - the glass eye. I had no idea what it could meant but I decided it had to be important if he was holding it so tightly.
Then I saw Diego and Allison. Part of me knew it had to be them, so I shook their bodies, trying to see if I could wake them up.
And finally I saw Klaus, and noticed the tattoo.
Up until then part of me thought perhaps they would come and save me. They couldn't possibly leave me alone in there. But after that I realized I was the only one who could save not only myself but my family.
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Would you still like a memorial?
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With Klaus being here ... Part of me did come to terms with most of my feelings toward their loss. I might never be able to save them, but I can save Klaus, at least.
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I do want to take assist your brother. I am simply uncertain how.
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[ He leans in to kiss his cheek, and then get up ]
We don't actually have to scavenge for food. The buildings are barely standing, and even if it's a dream I don't want you to get crushed under them.
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Would you prefer we simply wandered?
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I realize reliving it properly would likely be more effective. But I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. And the more I think about going through my usual routine with you in there, the more I worry you'll die in front of me.
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[He takes his hand without question.]
When you do feel the time is right, do allow me to pull you around in that wagon of yours.
[He looks at their joined hands and tries to think of another way to soothe him. Physical intimacy could be an option but this was hardly the right mood. So instead he drapes him in a veil of his aether. Something foreign to this place but familiar enough that he hopes it can help anchor him.]
I will admit I am at an uncharacteristic loss of how best to help you.
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You're already helping. I realize with how nervous I'm looking it might not show but I would be in a far worse mental state if you weren't with me. Usually when I find myself here you and Lahabrea make it short enough that I very rarely have to think about it.
But now here I am. Actually walking through this.
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[He looks at the landscape, or the ruins thereof, as they walk. Trying to put into memory parts of it.]
I imagine it helps that you have memories after this. Even if your fate is completely certain, this is quite assuredly your past.
Thought truthfully, it makes me homesick seeing it and I’ve never even visited your star.
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[ He gives him a small smile, and then focuses on the ruins around them. The smell of burnt flesh is absent despite the fact this is a dream from his memories - but the more they talk, the stronger the scent of oils and flowers feels ]
It does oddly feel like home for me too. Even if it could barely be called that, it was still the place I lived in for so many years.
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[He does notice and he can’t help but smile but he won’t bring attention to it.]
Fondly isn’t the right word, but when you are back and are standing in a world free from the apocalypse, do you imagine your view on this place will change? You are right, it was your place of residence for so many years.
[He pauses.]
I wonder if similarly if I would ever look at the Source in the same manner.
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But I think I'm pretty all right with trading that off.
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[He does look up at the sky.]
I know I call you the dawn, but do you feel like hope?
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Maybe I just want to see you blush.
Conceited or not, you are, at least for me. Your strength and will stronger than my own.
Very few could come back from this and be able to flourish as you have. So be a little proud.
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...
Well.
Are you? Proud of me.
[ He knows he is, because Emet said so before. But he still asks, making it all the more obvious that he wants to hear it ]
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One I might even be tempted to even call ‘hero’ without the sarcasm.
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But it matters.
And that's something not many people share.
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And even above that I respect you and look up to you.
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[ and of course his face his red, and he's trying to hide with humor as always. But like he said, Emet's opinion matters, and he does want to make him proud ]
... I'm proud of you too, you know. I always am. For how far you've come, how much you're capable of loving so strongly despite everything. Despite your own wishes sometimes. It's your greatest quality.
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You were the first, too, since times nearly forgotten to accept me for as I was.
[He wraps his arms around his waist tucking his face against his shoulder.]
At least I no longer feel the need to leave the room this time.
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I guess that's progress too. Though it was a little funny to see you leave back then.
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What would you have even done had I gotten emotional in that moment? It would have surprised you, I imagine.
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I wouldn't have been able to handle it at the time, that's true. I imagine it would have been quite awkward for us both.
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