You're not supposed to use that against me, I was making fun of you.
[ gestures toward his room and then just starts walking there ]
A few days ago Emet-Selch gave me the gun you used in that game, and requested that I eventually have a conversation with you about why you shouldn't fear it.
I have purchased my own, now, and thought it would be good to return yours.
I know this is not something you enjoy talking about. Hence why I said I almost feel bad, seeing your good mood and how I just ruined it.
[ opening the door to his room and inviting him in ]
You don't have to take it, if you don't want it. I can keep it for safe-keeping until you are ready, or return it to Emet-Selch so he can do that for you instead. But I figured we could at least have a talk about it.
[ Delores is there in all her glory, chilling on the bed ]
In fairness, I'm not sure how serious the request was. He basically lent it to me because I was complaining about the expenses, and I guess he added the suggestion as an afterthought.
Still. Seeing as I'm unfortunately concerned with your safety and well-being, why not.
Keeping it on your person doesn't necessarily mean you have to use it. Though obviously, I'd hope you would if it's a matter of life or death. Your own included.
Not outright refusing is already more than I expected, actually.
[ and since Wildfire said "I guess" he's taking it as a good enough sign, and going to go get the gun so he can hand it over to him, waiting to see if he'll take it ]
Would it be better if I gave you the one I purchased instead? For me, it makes no difference, and for you, it'd have less of an association with what happened.
Not to mention it'd ease potential fears of being possessed again. Is that the core of the issue?
That's a waste of points and I honestly don't need two guns.
[ But there's a sigh at that ]
I didn't actually mean to discount your feelings. The reason I'm trying this to begin with is because I value them, and I see provoking you had the exact opposite effect. I know it was a big deal to you.
...
I don't exactly remember how it was for me, killing for the first time. But I don't enjoy it, even if I'm willing to go with it. The last thing I wanted you to get out of this was to think I'm telling you to just deal with it and discard your feelings.
It would be. And in either case, like I said, it doesn't make any difference for me. If giving you a different one means you'd be more ready to use it, then that's the best outcome.
Ammo is going to be expensive, but if you want to do some target practice, we can arrange that as well. That should at least get you used to it, even if you already know how to use one.
But the matter of the gun aside, if you would like to talk more about your fears specifically, that's something that was concerning me as well.
[He takes the new gun, way less flinchy about this one than the other.]
...you know, everyone keeps telling me they like me as I am so I shouldn't worry so much. Or sometimes, my personality isn't suited for this kind of stuff.
When that ghost was in me, it was as if their personality became mine. It didn't feel like a ghost that possessed me, it felt like I was this person. A guy who sold his soul to get rich who didn't care about killing people. He didn't even think twice about it because he looked down on all of them. In fact, he really hated guys who just seemed dependent on other people.
And it's not just that gun. Listening to jazz music makes me sick, and I can't stand listening to the sound of birds because that stuff was in my head the entire time he was there.
Thinking about the kind of person I could become freaks me out. If I have to change my personality just to stay alive, how far is that going to go?
[ Note to self do not ask people to elaborate on their emotionally complex feelings that you are not equipped to handle oh no ]
If you want to survive, you're absolutely going to change whether you want to or not. Of course it doesn't have to be something as drastic as selling your soul to get rich, or having no remores when killing people.
But if you think about it logically, you've already changed. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Wouldn't you say you've gotten stronger, compared to how you were when you found yourself here on the first day?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 210 probably
[ gestures toward his room and then just starts walking there ]
A few days ago Emet-Selch gave me the gun you used in that game, and requested that I eventually have a conversation with you about why you shouldn't fear it.
I have purchased my own, now, and thought it would be good to return yours.
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Right...
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[ opening the door to his room and inviting him in ]
You don't have to take it, if you don't want it. I can keep it for safe-keeping until you are ready, or return it to Emet-Selch so he can do that for you instead. But I figured we could at least have a talk about it.
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[Walking through, greeting Delores if she’s there.]
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In fairness, I'm not sure how serious the request was. He basically lent it to me because I was complaining about the expenses, and I guess he added the suggestion as an afterthought.
Still. Seeing as I'm unfortunately concerned with your safety and well-being, why not.
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[i mean im not saying his crankiness is a little pacified from that statement alone, but also maybe just a little]
Okay.
[finds chair to sit in]
So what am I suppose to talk about?
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If I gave it to you right now would you purchase at least a round of ammo and keep it with you?
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[ and since Wildfire said "I guess" he's taking it as a good enough sign, and going to go get the gun so he can hand it over to him, waiting to see if he'll take it ]
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I'd apologize for being insensitive, but then again. You don't get to judge that for basically the rest of my days.
[ He says that but he does look more worried than dismissive, sitting down to stay right in front of him ]
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[snaps]
It’s not just about how its used to kill someone, but having someone else’s gross thoughts in your head as you do it!
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Would it be better if I gave you the one I purchased instead? For me, it makes no difference, and for you, it'd have less of an association with what happened.
Not to mention it'd ease potential fears of being possessed again. Is that the core of the issue?
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[ But there's a sigh at that ]
I didn't actually mean to discount your feelings. The reason I'm trying this to begin with is because I value them, and I see provoking you had the exact opposite effect. I know it was a big deal to you.
...
I don't exactly remember how it was for me, killing for the first time. But I don't enjoy it, even if I'm willing to go with it. The last thing I wanted you to get out of this was to think I'm telling you to just deal with it and discard your feelings.
So you have my apologies.
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But I only mentioned it to make sure you understand that's not where I'm trying to push you.
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But if keeping my pride means I'm just gonna freeze in the middle of a dangerous situation, that would just be stupid.
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Ammo is going to be expensive, but if you want to do some target practice, we can arrange that as well. That should at least get you used to it, even if you already know how to use one.
But the matter of the gun aside, if you would like to talk more about your fears specifically, that's something that was concerning me as well.
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...
My fears, huh?
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If you can elaborate on them.
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...you know, everyone keeps telling me they like me as I am so I shouldn't worry so much. Or sometimes, my personality isn't suited for this kind of stuff.
When that ghost was in me, it was as if their personality became mine. It didn't feel like a ghost that possessed me, it felt like I was this person. A guy who sold his soul to get rich who didn't care about killing people. He didn't even think twice about it because he looked down on all of them. In fact, he really hated guys who just seemed dependent on other people.
And it's not just that gun. Listening to jazz music makes me sick, and I can't stand listening to the sound of birds because that stuff was in my head the entire time he was there.
Thinking about the kind of person I could become freaks me out. If I have to change my personality just to stay alive, how far is that going to go?
Re: Day 210 probably
If you want to survive, you're absolutely going to change whether you want to or not. Of course it doesn't have to be something as drastic as selling your soul to get rich, or having no remores when killing people.
But if you think about it logically, you've already changed. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. Wouldn't you say you've gotten stronger, compared to how you were when you found yourself here on the first day?
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